I predict the next media attack on Mitt Romney is that he is part of an all powerful and secretive Mormon church.
This attack has already been made mustering the following powerful bits of evidence. These are the clues to the great Mormon Conspiracy to be liked and treated as regular Americans. Sadly, many in the media are unable to write clearly and so must be helped to say what they often only hint at.
The conspiracy is simple: Mormons want to be treated like human beings and demand their ideas get respectful attention.
Let me summarize the arguments of those brave enough to expose these outrageous Mormon demands, but unable to do so succintly. Now they need only Google this post and their noble work of exposing this danger from the Mormons will be done.
Here is what I have read that gives any thinking media figure reason to fear a Mormon in the White House:
First, fear Mormons, because non-Mormons are not allowed to attend all Mormon meetings. Other groups do this but they are not Mormons.
Second, fear Mormons, because Mormons often talk to other Mormons using Mormon “code.” This includes developing specialized terms for Mormon ideas. Every other group does this, but none of these other groups are Mormons.
Third, fear Mormons, because Mormons can be found in every area of life and often seem just like REGULAR people, but this is a ruse because most people are NOT Mormons.
Fourth, fear Mormons, because many do not like being mocked. Many non-Mormons don’t like it either, but those people are not Mormons. Mormons should feel lucky to be mocked, because at least non-Mormons are paying attention to Mormons. In fact, Mormons should thank non-Mormons for the mockery, since it shows the media know Mormons exist.
Fifth, fear Mormons, because more than a few feel that as citizens they should be able to run for office and win as open Mormons! Other groups also feel this way, but they are not Mormons.
Sixth, fear Mormons, because Mormons are irrational, because they believe a few things most members of the media do not. Those members of the media who do believe such things are often revealed to themselves BE Mormons or known friends of Mormons.
Seventh, Mormons do religious things other religions do not do. Those things are dangerous and weird, because they are Mormon.
As a cautionary tale of what happens when we ignore these facts let me give my own testimony. The media may use it freely.
As a child, I did not realize I knew Mormons. I had read my Conan Doyle and knew from his careful scholarship in the Holmes stories that the American mid-West was an uninhabitable wasteland fit only for vultures and that Mormons were more dangerous than the mafia. What I did not know in my childish innocence was that I had a crush on a Mormon.
I thought Marie Osmond was really cute. I cannot shake the fact that she is beautiful, though a Mormon, to this day.
Marie Osmond was a Mormon, but nobody told me. Nobody.
Soon I was attending school and making friends. Since I lived in upstate New York a few of my friends turned out to be Mormons deployed to the fifth grade by the Prophet to prep me for doom. There had been no warning of this in the Scarlet Letter.
My parents thought, “Kids should like other kids based on their behavior and character. It is ok for kids to like kids of other faiths or with different ideas.”
That kind of thinking continues in their lives. None are so blind as those who will not see.
And then I found myself enjoying the Battle Hymn while watching my hero Ronald Reagan only to discover it was being sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. My parents did nothing to stop this Mormon-like behavior, thinking with the hopefulness of many parents in denial that all this was just a phase that would pass.
I kept thinking Marie was cute.
In university, I read the Book of Mormon and found it interesting. Though I did not agree with its claims, I did not burn it and it still sits in my library. Every day its spine, in gold, throbs out the word “Mormon” to me.
And then as a Packer fan, I watched Joe Montana destroy my team while we suffered through quarterbacks like Lynn Dickey and Rich Campbell. At last he retired only to be replaced by another great quarterback I came to admire: Steve Young. Who was Steve Young?
A known Mormon descended from Mormons. I accepted his destruction of my team, and blamed the Packers for drafting badly, instead of blaming Mormons for Steve Young.
Again, my friends did nothing as I admired the talents of a Mormon despite his Mormonism. They were in denial that I was coming to forget my Doyle. I was judging men and women by the content of their character and ideas. I was disagreeing agreeably and making friends with people who did not share my every view.
This was dangerous, but worse was to follow.
One day I was watching television and I disagreed strongly with Harry Reid . . . only to discover that (you guessed it) Harry Reid was a Mormon. I wanted to blame his Mormonism, but I could not, because by now training in logic had trapped me into thinking about things. Harry Reid seemed a sly and foolish politician, but this SEEMED to having nothing to with his Mormonism.
It was then I discovered that some Mormons teach logic in schools. Philosophy had not expelled them from her midst and now they were colleagues. The conspiracy was so vast that a few were allowed to be bad people, a few great people, and many were just regular folk. This clever ruse by the Church made Mormons seem like the rest of us.
I discovered that many ate foods like Jello that were staples in my home. I kept eating Jello salads even knowing that they were being consumed in a local Mormon church.
One day in my hotel, sitting in comfort, I realized that it too was owned by a Mormon family.
It was then I came to peace with my Mormon overlords. I did not even hold out for an autograph from Marie or a free night in the Marriot. No. I decided to like people based on my experience of them and not preconceived ideas.
I gave in and decided to vote for Mitt Romney in the primaries. This was not because he was the only candidate who could get through a debate without making me cringe. It was not because I liked his platform, though I did. It was not because he was a business leader or had saved an Olympics. It was not because he had been a successful Republican governor in a blue state.
No. I supported him, in my heart of hearts, because of his Mormonism. I had become a Mormon enabler, a useful idiot. I believe we can disagree agreeably, impose no religious test for office, and be friends with those that don’t go to our church.
It is too late for me. I married a woman who agrees with me, who as a child admired Donny Osmond, and now our kids have watched Mulan without being warned a Mormon sings in it.
Parents must be warned. Long ago, when they saw me mooning over Marie they should have taken steps, but now it is too late.
I can only hope the media will expose the dangers to our Republic . . . dangers that Utah has hidden by functioning as a republic for over a century as part of the great Mormon conspiracy to look like real citizens . . . that are summarized in my evidence and in my own story.
For many my age once we saw Marie it was too late . . .
Don’t be complacent just because the Osmonds have passed out of the public eye. Mormons are everywhere disguised as regular people. They serve in the military, they teach in schools, they are good, bad, and normal, a few are even in prison infiltrating our criminal classes.
You may be sitting around listening to jazz only to discover the lovely Kelly Eisenhour is a known Mormon.
The failure of my family and friends to safe guard me against tolerance, American values, logic, and Christian love ended with my liking and even being willing to vote for Mormons.
It is too late for me, but I encourage our readers to look for media examples of those courageous enough to expose the facts I have listed . . . despite the dominance of Mormons on Broadway, television, motion pictures, and print media. They risk their very jobs from known Mormon loving institutions such as CBS, MSNBC, the Times, and the Post.
Help them by honoring them here.
Please append them to this testimony so that my sad story can be matched with the courage of those who live in New York City or Hollywood and yet dare to take on this fearful threat to the Republic.